Been a while since I've done a blog post. Guess you could say my life has just not allowed me the time to post. With 3 kids at home and work I can never find the time to post whats going on. And truthfully this year has been a complete hell for us emotionally. I literally feel emotionally drained and lost.
That being said, let me explain. We as parents are given the wonderful task of raising our children to make the right decisions as they go through this life. Problem is that as they get older sometimes those teachings stay with them and sometimes they dont. I havent been very vocal about what all we have been through as a family. Mainly because the hurt has been so deep we have been trying to just lean on each other to try and get through it. One of our children has made some decisions that has rocked our world and taken her away from us. Not literally. Shes just a mile down the road. But the choices that were made were choices we wont support or condone. So we chose to cut those parenting ties and she now is not in our home. It hurts. Im not gonna lie. Theres days I dont know how to go on. Jerry reminds me everyday that we have done our part. She is 22 and on her own now. We raise them and they leave and make their own decisions. We arent responsible for those decisions anymore. But this mama is having a very hard time. I am full of bitterness. And that is wrong of me. But when you raise a child and they completely turn on you and make choices that you know will lead to destruction it is a pain I live with everyday. Where did we go wrong? Thats the question I ask myself everyday. I used to have decent conversations with her. Now I have to limit my texts because it turns into a fighting match. Mainly because my two girls and my son are suffering. They miss their sister so much. We miss her too. But sometimes you have to do whats right for your family no matter how much it hurts. They dont get to see their sister. Its choices and a lifestyle we dont want them around. Sounds mean I know. We just have two innocent girls to protect. Will they resent us for it? Im not sure. They might. And we will deal with that when/if that happens. Right now our focus is on them and keeping them safe from the worldy lifestyle their sister has chosen.
I havent told many people. Im embarrassed and heartbroken. I spent 16 years helping Jerry raise her. And now I spend my days wondering how this happened. We love all of our children. Buyt what we have been forced to live through is not fair at all. Not only to Jerry and I but to our other children. Its not fair that they were thrown away like the trash for other people and bad choices. Its just not fair. And as their mama I hurt with them and for them. It is the most hurt we have ever experienced. It tests our marriage on a daily basis. But we remain strong together. Jerry and I have a love that not even this can break apart.
Why am I saying all this? Because it was time to break my silence and ask for prayers. Life will never be the same. Relationships have been severed. Hearts have been broken in two. And family as we knew it has changed.
I thank God for my 3 babies I still have here. But a part of me is missing. And its just a mile down the road. Someone told us a while back to always look her in the eye and tell her 'this is not you. This is not Gods plan'. I did that for a while. Then I gave up. I think its time to start believing again and having faith that our family will be restored.
Tonight do me a favor. Hold your babies tight. Pray for them on a daily basis. Because I lay here tonight with one of my children missing from our family but really just down the road. And I pray none of you mamas ever have to experience the hurt I am living with.
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